A Wrinkle in My Time
So I want all the girls watching here, now,
to know that a new day is on the horizon!
- blows cobwebs off blog space and peeks head out regretfully *
Man, I know that I’ve been neglecting this space a little and I miss it!
Whilst it hasn’t been months since a new post, it’s been a while since I committed to writing meaningful stuff that I can perhaps look back on when I’m feeling less than inspired. First and foremost this space is for me. I appreciate anyone who reads and enjoys but it’s important that I stay in contact with myself first and foremost.
Right that’s that’s explanation out of the way.
It’s 2018 mother fuckers!
And I am so, so very excited by the endless possibilities that could transpire this year. Whilst 2017 was a complete and utter shambles for the world, personally, it was brilliant for me. Upon returning from Barbados there was a shift, which just allowed me to get out of my own way and just hit the ground running and mentally, I haven’t stopped moving since.
But of course, I’m only human and have succumbed to the (much needed) New Year trend of ‘self-reflection’
For the first time ever, I have dedicated days to allow myself to look back on 2017, write in detail about the highs and the lows, make peace with what didn’t transpire and celebrate what did. This felt good. Usually, I would spend no more than 30 minutes hurriedly scribbling in a journal which I conveniently then wouldn’t touch again until my birthday in a couple of months time. Doing this has allowed me to see that spending time with myself is not a ‘wanky’ thing to do, but a necessity. I very much enjoy my own company, so much so that Papa B often wonders how I’m able to be in a relationship at all. But spending time with yourself doesn’t mean that you’re actually committing to seeing yourself and being honest when it comes to personal evaluation.
Taking the time out to do this over this past week has been an eye-opener not unlike when I put on glasses for the first time at three years old. All of a sudden it was like
‘Shit! I can see!’
There are a few things happening this year which have of course initiated this need for me to go a little deeper with ‘self-work’ and triple check my foundations.
The first is that I’m turning 30.
The second is that I’m having a baby.
Those two things alone are enough for any weekly glossy to have a field day. If I were the personification of Grazia, every other week would-be a headline scrutinizing may expanding waistline or trying to predict what massive changes I would-be embarking on this year because that’s what milestone birthdays are meant to inspire.
There are no two things more richly linked to womanhood than age and reproduction. And this year, I’m swimming with both sharks. And honestly, I’m overwhelmed with how calm I feel about both things.
I know that this in part to me re-educating myself in regards to selective ignorance. I have taught myself to ignore any ‘nudge, nudge, wink, winks’ when it comes to turning 30. I have avoided any ‘Oh shit, what has become of me?!’ type rhetoric and I have most definitely not succumbed to the blanket idea that having a second child is the end of my life as I know it.
I must admit that when it comes to the turning 30 part, I’ve had an unfair advantage. Although born and raised in Britain, my attitude to aging is succinctly Caribbean and where I’m from milestone birthdays equal nothing but blessings. I have never been privy to any black woman being fearful of getting older. Actually, as the years incline the parties become more lavish. For my Nan’s 60th birthday she got a blowout, hired two limo’s and took twenty of her nearest out to dinner and a night of dancing. That’s just how we do.
Professionally, I have slimmed my goals down but deepened the desire to achieve the ones I really think will produce the sweetest fruit in the long run. And I’ve decided to align my personal life in the same way,
In order to have another baby and account for every marble, I’ve already been firm with myself about what I will and won’t be paying attention to this time around. Because if there is one thing that the last 29 years have drummed into me is that
‘The world still turns.’
Dishwasher not empty?
World still turning.
To do list not complete?
World still turning.
Esme head over heels, face down in mud in her new coat, trainers and scooter smothered with the stuff?
World still turning baby.
So to wrap all the anxiety of turning 30 and becoming a mother to a second baby all up in the prettiest paper with a sparkling bow, all I need to remember is that my milestone birthday and adding another child to the mix stops no one's world from turning. Not even my own.
Setting the opinions of society aside, could it be, even slightly that these two things could enhance my earthly experience?
You know what, I think so.
But it’s hard to remember that I’ve got more control over how I receive and respond to these changes than anyone else.
So this year my ‘resolutions’ are all tied to the work that I have to do, to stay in that mind frame.
- commit to committing.
- deepen my meditation practice. perhaps move from a guided practice to TM
- listen more than speak
- be clear about what I’m saying
- let more things go
I hate commitment man. I will play ball as long as I believe that I’m not tied into any contract. But the minute I have to actually say I am doing X, Y, Z, I lose the plot and later down the line whatever I was working on before I got freaked out by having to sign on any kind of dotted line.
This is not real life. Becoming Esme’s mother has taught me that at the base level, I can commit to something. It’s been four years and I haven’t yet thought about handing her to social services so I have to give myself some credit.
In order to remind myself that commitment is not just something to be embraced, but something I’m good at, I’ve committed to doing a TEATIME! every day for 30 days over on Instagram. We are only a week in but I’m very happy with what it's doing to encourage me to build a routine and good habits. Because without commitment, nothing gets achieved.
I’ve toyed with meditation for many years after being introduced to its power at a weekend meditation retreat back in October of 2012. Only last year did I really seek to find a version of meditation that suited where I was in my life at the time. Since deepening my practice those who know me often comment on my ‘positivity’ or ‘happiness’ whilst eyeing me sheepishly. For years I was an argumentative, defensive person who always assumed the world was out to get to me. Mediation has given me instant access to a quiet space which allows me to see the world for less of how I want it and more so of how it actually is. This has been paramount to me understanding that the way I receive and respond to information is entirely up to me.
‘Wow, will you let me finish’ is a line which I’m so used to hearing from family members. So ignited with passion, it’s rare that I let those close to me finish a sentence. Sometimes it’s because I’m overcome with some wasteful emotion, usually, it’s because I think I know best. I only recently cottoned onto how entire days can roll out differently when you just let people finish what they’re saying. There is less room for disagreements when there is less guesswork involved. Which leads me to my next point.
‘This year, please will you say exactly what you mean?’ was the question Papa B asked when we offered up resolutions which we believe will strengthen our relationship moving forward. It’s then that I realised projecting ones voice isn’t in tandem with saying what one really means. Whilst people regard me as confident, I’m always three steps ahead of any recipients feelings when communicating with them. So much so, that it often means I step away from a conversation having gained nothing at all, as I wasn’t clear about what I was saying.
From emails, to social media communications, clarity is paramount. I must set aside the waffle and cut to the chase.
Finally we reach the hardest one of all.
I let a lot of things go in 2017. Drama filled relationships, past hurts, childhood trauma. You name it, I set it down. I’m honest enough with myself to admit that I’m always going to have a Chanel Bag’s worth of luggage. But there is no need to cart around two suitcases load of things which no longer serve me. I’m not yet at the handbag stage but very proud to have downsized to a pull trolley. But this is the year of Chanel!
And that’s it!
Of course, all of these things only transpired by really taking the time out to go a little deeper at the beginning of this year and honestly reflect on the last.
I didn’t do this alone. I used two awesome tools. The first being Nicola of ‘A life more Inspired’ ( and TEATIME! Live panelist) Write your 2018 story and the Year Compass. Both of these helped me reflect and plan with guidance which prior to this year I had never taken time to do but now I have, highly recommend it.
So yeah, that’s where I’m at today.